It’s one of the most overused phrases when referring to this age group, but are the “terrible twos” really so bad?
While life with a toddler certainly isn’t dull, the very trait that leads to challenging behavior in the first place—a stubborn quest for independence—is also what makes your child enthusiastic, lively, funny, and affectionate.
The transition from baby to toddler is one of the most significant developmental leaps that humans experience, so it’s not surprising that it’s pretty intense, and a tad rocky at times. Your toddler’s emotions are raw and immediate, and a lack of self-consciousness means that whatever he is feeling is on display for all the world to see—whether at a playgroup, at stores, or at home.
The immediacy and strength of his emotions can be stressful to experience, but these are the same feelings that can bowl you over as he flings his arms around you in an enthusiastic embrace. By maintaining a positive mindset and making an effort to understand what your child is experiencing, you can make all the difference to family life.
As your child approaches his second year, three significant changes are underway: a growing sense of self-awareness; increased mobility; and the acquisition of language. A toddler’s brain is twice as active as an adult’s—no wonder they get tired.
The same curiosity that can lead to conflict is also an indication of a healthy interest in the world, and a signal to you that he’s ready to interact with more complex stimuli, such as puzzles, challenging toys, varied physical play, and other children and adults. Your child finds the world fascinating, and it’s up to you to provide him with the scope to explore it safely and expressively.
At the same time, your child is also developing a growing sense of “me” and will want to let you know his likes and dislikes. His vocabulary is growing, almost daily, which means he can express himself more clearly, but this can be challenging for him (and you) since words may not always be clear.
‘His bid for independence can lead to clashes, but also shows that your child is engaged, active, and learning to deal with life.
He may become rapidly frustrated when you are unable to understand him. Try to think of it as an entertaining and interesting time, as your child learns to interact socially. All of these developments have a flip side, and this is where toddlers get bad press.
As your child’s independence grows, he senses that he is increasingly separate from you. So while he is striving to exert his will, stepping out on his own can be scary. Add to this frustration the fact that he finds he is not quite able to achieve, or allowed to do, everything he wants, or to communicate his needs effectively, and you have a cocktail of emotions that can lead to a meltdown.
Understanding your toddler’s emotions is key, and can help you feel more sympathetic. In the journal Psychology Today, child psychoanalyst Paul Holinger talks about “translating” your toddler’s words into emotions so you understand what he is really trying to communicate.
By the age of two, a toddler’s emotions are complex, but he only has a limited vocabulary and emotional intelligence. Help him recognize his emotions, so if your toddler tells you to “go away,” look at what else is going on. He may actually want you to be closer, and is frustrated that you are not helping. You could say: “I think you are upset with me because I was busy. Would you like me to play?” This gives your child the words to express himself next time. So, what to do if your toddler has a complete tantrum?
At the peak of a tantrum, your toddler is expressing extreme anger. Researchers at the University of Minnesota discovered a vocal rhythm to tantrums, with certain emotions having their own acoustic features. Peaks of yelling and screaming represented anger, while fussing, whining, and crying shared a similar acoustic group and indicated growing sadness.
If you try to intervene at the peak of a tantrum, it could intensify and prolong the episode. So, take a few deep breaths, and stay calm and wait until your child calms down, too. He will see that you can cope with his strong emotions and that he can learn to, also. Avoiding conflict in the first place will help make life easier.
A study published in 2012 revealed that when parents consistently responded positively to a toddler’s needs, their child developed more positive attention-seeking behavior, collaborated more readily, and acted up less. Avoid outings, especially boring ones, when he is tired or hungry. If you notice he is starting to look bored, or like he might misbehave, distract him with a toy he hasn’t seen recently.
Toddlers are amazingly fickle: many tantrums can be averted with a quick distraction.
If you want him to sit still at an appointment, take him for a run around outside beforehand. Make life a bit more grown up by giving him simple choices, such as “red socks or blue socks today ?” This feeds his need for independence. Praise good behavior when you see it, so your child knows how he is expected to act in a situation, and respond to his requests and questions, even if they are very repetitive.
This is a fantastic time to help your child develop into an independent, curious person. Show him how to pace himself, express his needs, and explore the world. Be there to step in and help with new challenges and recognize when it is all a bit overwhelming. This will give him the confidence to take on whatever life presents, and you can watch his own unique personality emerging.