Being a mom is fantastic (most of the time), but you don’t feel like the old “you” anymore. Now, how do you deal with that?
Did you promise yourself: “I won’t change at all when baby arrives”? Did you plan to go back to work right away, travel on long-haul flights, go to the gym more often, or spend more time playing the piano? You may well manage all of this at some point, but for most new parents having a baby is a life-changing event.
However you liked to spend your days and evenings before baby arrived, whether lying on the sofa or building an empire, things have moved on. At the very least, you will have less time to yourself, and this can trigger an identity crisis. You can’t do everything in the same way, so you need to think about what is important to you, and what your priorities are.
Of course, being a mom or dad is fantastic in many ways, but plenty of parents also yearn for pre-baby days. Finding a way to reconcile the best elements of your new and old life is the best way forward. Having a baby can be a catalyst for positive change since stepping off the conveyor belt can give you breathing space to think about what you really want out of life.
When you are expecting a baby, you are the center of attention and the first few weeks are all consuming. If you can produce a baby, you can do anything, right? But fast forward a few months and life becomes more routine.
It’s perfectly normal that your baby takes priority, so your own needs and those of your partner are secondary for a while. But at some point you emerge from the newborn blur and start to think: “What about me?” If you are on maternity leave, you may not have realized just how much your work routine shaped your life.
From having a structured week with meetings and goals you’re at home with a baby who doesn’t fit neatly into an agenda and sometimes the days just seem to stretch ahead. You might find yourself feeling bored and not sure what to do with your time. Or you might find that you enjoy being at home more than you thought, which might be your prompt to negotiate shorter hours or change careers for a new work–life balance. How important is your work identity to you?
Having a baby is the most lifechanging experience you will ever go through. You need to reconcile the “old” you with the “new” you.
If you have always defined yourself by your work role, are you OK to leave that all behind, or do you find yourself telling people you meet what you do, or did, for a living? Remember that all your work skills and interests are still there—they are just being used in a different way for a while.
Having less money or losing financial independence can restrict how you spend your time and how you perceive yourself, but you might think the benefits outweigh this. Your social life changes when your baby is young: parenting classes and baby groups introduce you to lots of new people so you socialize during the day, and less in the evening. You may find it harder to maintain old friendships with people who knew you before you became a parent.
On a positive note, you might now actually have more time to spend with your partner, family, and friends, and they may see a more relaxed you emerge. Your changed body may make you feel different about yourself. It has managed to produce an amazing baby, but it might not feel like your own for a while, especially if you are breast-feeding or your body has changed shape. If this starts to affect your well-being, then this could be the prompt to reclaim your body and make sure you eat well and add more exercise to your routine.
If you walk past a store window and realize that the scruffy, grumpy woman pushing a stroller is you, then it’s definitely time to put yourself first in the priority stakes for a while.
Be open with your partner and make time to talk about how you both want the next few months and years to be. Life has changed for him, too, and it’s easy to lose focus as a couple. Your identity as a best friend, partner, and lover is why you both got together, and it’s important to keep sight of that.
No strong relationship is likely to suffer long-term damage from being put on the back burner for a while, but keep communicating about your own changing needs and what you need from each other. Talk to friends too, honestly. Everyone has good and bad days, and openness with other parents is crucial. By sharing your thoughts and concerns, you may find solutions and support, and realize that what you’re going through is a natural rite of passage.
If you want to try something new, go for it. No need to throw yourself in headfirst—start making steps for the future.
Having some “me-time” isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. It’s a clichéd phrase but it’s a cliché for a reason. When juggling child care, work, and family committments, people (women and men) forget to have fun and enjoy life. Make time for something that makes you feel like you again, whether you go for a run, read a daily paper, maintain your blog, or have a night out with work colleagues.
If you take care of yourself, everyone in your family will benefit, and they will be happy that you are happy too. Being a parent is at the center of your new identity, but it really only enhances what was already there waiting to come out. Working through this new stage of your life brings you to a clearer understanding of the evolving you and makes you the interesting, unique parent you are.