Mutually enriching, the relationship between your baby and her loving grandparents is well worth nurturing.
Your parents and your partner’s parents may have been anticipating their grandchild for a long time, and doubtless when they finally met him it was love at first sight. This is likely to be one of the closest and most important relationships in your little one’s life, and is equally special to his grandparents. You will probably find that the arrival of a grandchild gives your parents and in-laws a new lease on life, while your child will be enriched and reassured by their close bond.
Many modern grandparents do not match the traditional stereotype of the the doddering gray-haired couple. People are living longer, continuing their careers, traveling more—and today’s grandparents are busier, healthier, and ever younger at heart. However, while it might have been assumed that this generation would be too busy with their own lives to have much time for their grandchildren, this is proving not to be the case; in fact, 40 percent of grandparents live within an hour’s drive of their families and provide regular child care while mothers work. Even if you aren’t relying on your parents for child care, they can be an invaluable source of support and experienced babysitters—with the added advantage that they deeply love their charge and cherish the time spent together.
You’ve probably seen a whole new side to your parents since your child was born. You may have found yourself slack-jawed as they produce yet another bag of jelly beans, when you clearly remember that when you were a child you were only allowed candy on Saturdays. They are exercising their privilege of adoring your child without the pressure of actually having to parent him, and the best part of this is that they often have more time and patience for him than you. The downside of their tendency to indulge him is that it could create tension between you.
A Welsh proverb tells us that perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
Problems arise when your little one starts to think that your rules don’t apply, or has new expectations based on what his grandparents allow. You might be trying to get him to go to sleep, only to be told that Grandpa always reads him seven bedtime stories first. If this kind of thing consistently causes difficulties, you should be completely honest with your parents or in-laws and discuss your routines so that they can support you.
However, as long as the occasional divergence from your at-home routine doesn’t cause too many difficulties, it is probably best to accept that when your child is with his grandparents, it is their rules that apply, not yours. It may irritate you that he doesn’t get to bed on time when they are taking care of him, but the main thing is that they are enjoying his company, and it won’t hurt him to be spoiled a little once in a while. In any case, his grandparents may not be appreciative of being left long lists of instructions by you. Even if you feel that their methods are a little out of date, rusty, or just different than your own, you should trust them to do what’s right for their grandchild. After all, they didn’t do such a bad job of raising you and your partner.
But just as you need to stand back to allow grandparents to be themselves with their grandchild, they may need to respect your way of doing things, too. You may not appreciate unsolicited advice or constant suggestions from them, and feel it’s important to make your own way and be free to make your own mistakes. Beware though of systematically disregarding their advice, since there may be times when they are an invaluable source of guidance when you find that you have no idea what you’re doing and are busy wishing that your baby had come with an instruction manual. There’s no shame in making use of their years of experience—some of the essential truths about parenthood never change, regardless of current thinking.
If you live near supportive parents, try to see them as often as possible, and once your child is old enough, give them time alone with him so they can really get to know each other and have the chance to create their own meaningful traditions and routines. If you don’t live close by, make sure you have regular dates via webcam.
Grandparents can tell stories and share songs or new words, and in this way your baby will become familiar with their faces and voices, so that when they do get together he will recognize them immediately and quickly feel comfortable.
Posting photo albums and videos online regularly will keep everyone in the loop, and, in turn, grandparents can provide a webcam tour of grandma’s garden or grandpa’s snoring dog to keep them involved in each other’s daily lives.
Knowing how much his grandparents love him will build your child’s confidence.
Now you are a parent you may find you understand your own parents more. You may look back on your childhood, and on the twists and turns of your relationship with your parents, and be able to put yourself in their shoes. It’s not hard to see why your mom went through the roof when you got home at 2 am, now that you know how deep the love for your little one runs.
You are a model for your child in terms of how a parent should be treated, so make sure you are loving, open, respectful, and generous with your parents, so that your child will follow your example. Most importantly, take the time to nurture this special relationship so your child can benefit from the precious love and attention of someone who loves him just as unconditionally as you do.