Roll up your sleeves and get ready to join the club of 21stcentury dads, who take an active role in raising a baby.
Dads who actively bond with their babies from day one not only boost their child’s physical and mental development, but also hold the key to their family’s strength as a unit, and even to their child’s future attitudes and their likelihood of success in life.
Children whose fathers bonded with them at an early age tend to be academically more successful, emotionally more secure, use drugs and alcohol less frequently, and are less likely to get involved with crime. No pressure there! It seems we’ve come a long way from the days when a father was expected to stay firmly in the role of protector, breadwinner, and disciplinarian and rarely had much involvement in their child’s early upbringing at all.
A baby’s brain development and emotional stability relates directly to a father’s involvement during the early years of life.
But is it all just about dividing up the chores, sharing the yucky jobs, and helping with the practical demands of having a new baby?
On the contrary, experts say that what new dads are really needed for is bonding. Good, oldfashioned, gooey-at-the-knees bonding. This is great news for many dads, who are enthusiastic at getting in on the cuddling action. But it can be a challenge for those who are unsure where to begin—and whose own fathers may not have bonded well with them, limited as they were by a different generation’s expectations.
So, how can you bond—and what’s in it for you? Experts stress that you shouldn’t feel you have to be a kind of “second mom.” You’re a dad, do it your way—that’s what your baby needs. Often moms are more organized, for instance remembering snacks when going out, and anticipating the need for sleep, comforters, and entertainment. Dads tend to be more relaxed and are far more likely to “wing it” under the mantra that if you don’t have it, you can always buy it.
Men play more “rough and tumble” with their children, and encourage more risktaking behavior. They also use a different vocabulary, often using complicated words (where mothers adjust their language down) that help to broaden the child’s vocabulary. Yet these different methods of child care are complementary rather than antagonistic, since babies benefit from the two parenting styles—think of it as a mom’s yin to dad’s yang.
Fathers who familiarize themselves with their babies and attune to their needs, will increase their own confidence with their baby.
Bonding can be simple—a midnight feeding, a shared bath, hiding under a blanket to get a giggle. You could “wear” your baby in a baby carrier or sling, or read, sing, and listen to music together. If you really want to find a special bond you could do a new activity together, for example, baby swimming or baby sign language.
Babies use their hands to express needs and feelings—if you can understand that language, and use it too, you’ll grow closer. Researchers in Canada and Israel have found that men experience a surge in “bonding” hormones when their children are born. Even during their wives’ pregnancies, men display a shift in their levels of the stress hormone cortisol, as well as prolactin, a hormone linked to parenting behavior.
At the same time, they experience a rise in oxytocin, a brain chemical that can dilute a man’s alphamale attitude and engender a more nurturing nature. It’s an evolutionary response intended to turn “guys” into dads.
Despite all this, some fathers feel truly daunted by the financial and emotional responsibilities of parenthood. Traditionally postpartum depression is a condition associated with new mothers, but experts believe as many as one in four new dads may suffer from it.
So, if you, as a dad, find yourself experiencing mood swings, panic attacks, or tearfulness, be reassured that it is not uncommon, but it is important to speak out—to your partner, your doctor, even your boss, or a trusted friend. Dads need as much support as moms, and you need time to rest too.
Perhaps you can take some inspiration from other dads across the world. Swedish fathers are apparently Europe’s most “involved” dads, partly because they have more paternity leave than any other country. But in all Northern European countries, dads tend to get more involved since they don’t have big extended families like those in Southern European countries, such as Greece, where grandmothers, sisters, and aunts help with a lot of the child care.
Across the globe, though, there has been a dramatic increase in the level of paternal involvement over the last few decades. Between 1965 and 2000 in the US, married fathers more than doubled their time spent exclusively on child-care activities, from 2.6 hours a week to 6.5 hours. Australian fathers’ care of children has also risen, and in the UK, fathers in two-parent families today do an average of 25 percent of the child-care-related activities during the week and 30 percent on weekends.
For true inspiration, though, look to the Aka Pygmies, a nomadic people of the African Congo. The men in these communities, on average, hold, or are in close proximity to, their infants 47 percent of the time. They pick up, cuddle, and play with their babies at least five times as often as dads in other societies. They must know they’re onto a good thing, so roll up your sleeves, get bonding, and enjoy becoming a father.